The trials that face my mom, the uncertain future I have, all of the difficulties that are staring back at me each morning are heavy and deep. It takes much effort to look past them, but when do, I can see a glimmer of something more, a sure sign that there’s more than just darkness there. There is a great gift hidden inside every one of these trials. Inside each broken expectation, each piece of shattered heart is a new budding piece of me that I’m working to grow into.
Hardships unavoidably shape us and there is little we can do to stop it. Even still, we are not helpless. We can choose to find the gift wrapped in the darkness, and we can choose to be grateful for it, even before the light reveals it to us. This tangible mortality that has settled around me recently is molding and reshaping me. It’s making me softer, scrappier, stronger and less afraid. I am more aware than ever before, that these are the moments that matter, and that awareness is one of the greatest gifts the darkness has given me.
I am, as you know, emotionally incontinent. I feel things, so hard, and I’m absolutely terrible at hiding it. I’ve always wished I could smother that facet of me, but it remains a huge personality flaw, and often a source of embarrassment. In light of the trials my family is currently going through, the parts of me that I’ve never liked have lost some of their shameful potency. Slowly I am learning how to embrace my special brand of awkward and lean in. If you also have awkward in you, well hello there friend, and welcome! Let’s take a moment to let the weird wash over us. #MouthBreathersUnite!
I am unapologetically moving forward despite my gaping flaws and vast inadequacies. I read once that Japan has a special way of dealing with things that break. I don’t know if you’ve ever broken a nice vase, accidentally or on purpose, (hey, I’m not here to judge), but if you’re like me, you swept up the broken pieces, sliced your paws open in the most inconvenient places, and threw out the now useless shards. Not so in Japan. The Japanese people repair cracked and broken pottery in the most astonishing way. They fill the cracks and blemishes with gold and other precious metals. They make the imperfections stand out, and shine, and the useless broken ceramic becomes something even more beautiful and valuable than the unblemished original. It’s called Kintsugi, and the symbolism it evokes is profound and empowering.
I love the idea of bedazzling the imperfections. I have decided to make use of it on my own broken bits. When the awkward shatters my normal, and the shards of weird become brittle and break, I will fill those gaps of insecurity and self doubt with glitter, and put them on display here. I will lay these things out in all their majestic awkwarness, and pray that God would see fit to sprinkle a bit of sparkle inside them. Even bedazzled, I’ll be no less awkward and certainly no less strange, but I’m doing my best to melt into it purposefully now, embracing the story these imperfections tell. They are the unique contours of my personality’s fingerprint. I used to want to fit smoothly into the world, to fit in and be accepted as one of the Normals. Not anymore. Now I just want to leave a mark, something beautiful, lasting and meaningful that will continue to grow beyond myself and my short time here.
Bring on the glitter shrapnel!!!
I see flaws now for what that are: opportunities for growth. My perspective has changed, and a prized awareness has been born of these difficult days. That awareness is simultaneously frightening and exquisitely freeing to know that I fit, not because I am like everyone else, but because I am not.
My nursing career has brought its own facets of awareness into my life. I’m proud to be a nurse, and I want so badly to be good at it, great even. I want to be an effective advocate and I desperately want to make a thoroughly meaningful difference for as many people as I can. I work on an orthopedic surgery floor, and because of that I have a unique perspective on the spectrum of human reaction to the same obstacle. I’ve seen certain surgeries performed countless times, on all manner of patients, locals and visitors, young and old, emergent or scheduled. I have watched as a person’s attitude and determination or lack thereof, can completely change the trajectory of their recovery. It doesn’t correlate with vast differences in age or privilege, but rather underscores the human capacity to choose and manipulate the attitude that we inhabit. Seeing that, and knowing that we can harness this resource of mental fortitude within ourselves is completely empowering! It pushes me to take responsibility for my own trajectory, and grow towards the end of the spectrum that I admire the most.
One of the ways I’m accomplishing this growth is by changing my bucket list from a collection of wishes, into a set of actual plans. I am bucket-listing, not because I fear the future, but rather because I choose to embrace what I can hold and reach today in this moment, despite and even because of what tomorrow could bring.
I’ve recently discovered an untapped resource around me; a resource of people who will SAY YES. My best friend told me that I’ve found my tribe, and I like to think she’s exactly right. I have found a group of fearless nursey types who say yes to the most outrageously awesome ideas, and who aren’t at all afraid to make insanely epic plans with me. Perhaps it’s our constant proximity to the edge of life or the shared raw knowledge of human fragility that causes these wonderful people to spontaneously and emphatically embrace the world with me. Whatever it is, I’m grateful for it. I am not alone.
The first plan to get checked off the bucket list was a helicopter ride. With much anticipation and a fluttering gut, my friend and I strapped in for the ride of a lifetime, and what a view it was! The tiny helicopter looked like a compact car with a foolish twirly hat. Despite its flimsy appearance, the little copter took us out above the Gulf, where the clear blue waves sparkled their approval and a giant sea turtle bobbed a friendly greeting. The fear stayed firmly on the ground and in the air was quicly replaced by an insatiable appetite to expand beyond the self-imposed boundaries that no longer seem necessary or appropriate. And so I am growing, knocking down the things that hold me back one obstacle at a time, and there are plans for much more future cray. Stay tuned!
Another plan on my list is to run a 5K! I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor. I know. It’s so far above my current ability, but that’s exactly what makes it worth doing. It’s a color run too, so there’ll be lots of vibrant awesome to distract me from all the dying I’ll be doing. For all my local readers, it’s a Color Vibe 5K and it will be in October. You should come, if not to run alongside me, then to hurl color at me and all the other crazies who didn’t say no. It’s an immense personal challenge for me, but I have other reasons to run.
I will be running in support of my mom. She’s shown so much strength and grace in the face of great challenges while waiting to find a kidney donor. I will wear a Kidney for Kathy shirt to raise awareness for our need to find a donor and I will bring my two kids along to run with me so they might learn what it means and how it feels to work towards and accomplish impossible goals. I’ll also wear a tutu. Obviously, because how many times can a grown woman get away with wearing a tutu and a unicorn headband in real life? Not many my friends. This is happening. So come out and watch! I’m trying to recruit someone to wear one of those inflatable T-rex costumes, but so far there are no takers. I’d do it myself, except TUTU!
I’ve downloaded the Couch to 5K app to help me get started on this fitness journey. Of all the tools I looked at, the C25K app seemed the most appropriate because let’s be clear: I’m full on couch mode right now, and based on the name, I feel like this app totally gets me. I like that it provides me with an option of digital trainers who will coax or chase or yell at me while I run. Here’s the best part: one of the trainer options is a UNICORN!!! His name is Runicorn and I freaking love him. It was between Runicorn and the undead zombie trainer that chases you. I may switch back and forth, who knows. I’ll post updates about my progress and we can all laugh at my pain together. It’ll be fun! For you I mean. It’ll be fun for you. For me it’ll be a painful part of my Kinsugi transformation.
Another plan from the bucket list that makes my heart wobble is a medical mission trip to Belize! A nurse friend of mine invited me along, and I couldn’t think of any good reason not to embrace the opportunity. Remember that tribe we were talking about? Yeah. They’re amazing! I decided to say yes to this outrageous idea, and friend after fearless friend said yes as well. The trip will be in November, and I will be raising funds to help cover the expense. If you’re interested in supporting me, you can go to my GoFundMe page. I will also be selling baked goods locally, as well as t-shirts in order to raise the necessary money. I’ll post more about those things later.
I hope that my own polycystic kidneys hold out for many more years to come. However, if they do not, I know which end of the spectrum I’m aiming for. I choose to be that patient with the amazing stories of an exciting life well lived. I choose to be the patient who smiles into the darkness without regret, having realized long ago what was truly important, and having made this journey accordingly, with unapologetic abandon. If I ever find myself in that hospital bed, instead of beside it as I am now, I know I’ll be proud of these crazy moments, and the friends (that’s you) that I shared them with.
What a beautiful life this is, full of infinite possibilities limited solely by my capacity to say yes, and the extent to which I’m willing to chase down and conquer these brave wild wanderings. A gift indeed, born of darkness.
The Glittery Nurse
Lots of exciting things going on! Love it!