This was not the post I intended to write, but in the end I think it’s the right one. The feels were strong the last few days, and they bashed my emotional sphincter incessantly until I thought I’d explode or die. Let’s just say that I didn’t die. My inner petulant two year old got her feelings hurt unintentionally, and the wound festered and spewed out all over these pages. But they sat here, full of fire and defensive verbal flinging, for days, waiting on my final verdict. In the end, I had to decide what I really wanted this web page to be, and how I wanted to represent that. After much consideration, I’ve decided to go a different way, to be, at least in this moment, the person I wish I were, and to keep my focus on the one thing in this world that I can ever really change: myself.
I don’t know if this is something unique to me, or if it’s a universal struggle, but I can FEEL what people believe about me. And the more I can feel it, the more I start to emulate the person they believe me to be.
That can be really unfortunate at times and I wish it were a simple thing to just turn off. Maybe one day I will learn how to do that, but this is where I’m at right now, and as they say, you have to try to bloom wherever it is you’re planted.
I’m pretty sure I know why people’s opinions make me squirm so much, even when they genuinely don’t see me, or know me at all. It’s simple really.
I don’t like me.
At all. Never really have. It’s kind of like this: I’m on fire. I’ve been on fire for as long as I can remember, and I’m pretty used to it by now. I walk around on fire, I live and breathe and exist on fire, and it’s okay with me because it’s all I’ve ever known and I don’t even hardly feel it anymore. But once in a while, someone makes it a point to tell me I’m on fire, and then it hurts all over because I notice again what I spend all my time ignoring. The hate.
I hate the way the mirror sneers about my chins, and my scars, and my pervasive floppity bits. I can’t stand the way my words jumble together when I try to speak in front of people and I wish I were so much smarter and wiser than I am. It bothers me to the point of distraction that my arms are so strange looking, and my smile is so unfortunately lopsided. I hate most everything about me, and I am consistently shocked when anyone feels otherwise. I don’t talk about it much because it’s very real, and it makes people super uncomfortable. Sometimes people even feel obligated to disagree or pay compliments. That’s not what I want, and I promise you there will never be a compliment big enough to put out this persistent fire, because it’s fueled from way beneath the surface where compliments can’t survive. For the sake of limiting the exposure of my crazy, I’ll just leave this here and move along because I actually do have some things I’d like to say tonight. Hopefully this nugget of realness will, if nothing else, help you to better understand where it is I’m coming from, and who knows, maybe I’m not the only one who deals with this sort of self consuming fire.
Given what you now know about me, let me give you some helpful hints in case you ever have to deal with someone else with runny emotions. First things first: If all you see in me are the flaws I haven’t fixed, I need you to know that I see them already, so much clearer than you. They simmer painfully beneath my every thought, taunting and tearing at the shreds of confidence I work so very hard to braid together. It’s not that I don’t need fixing. Believe me, I KNOW that I do! What I don’t need, is any sort of help feeling bad about myself. I’ve got that covered all by myself thanks. Besides, I’m in the middle of a renovation already, and all the fixing I’ve planned out so carefully will surely turn out better given a generous cushion of kindness. I grow best when rooted in empowerment and sprinkled with a bit of friendly wisdom, don’t you?
Yes, there’s incessant after-marketing going down in this little life I live, in which I’m still so often invisible. And while I don’t need help with hatefulness, I do recognize the value of people who are better at this than me. I want very badly to be good at living this life, this precious gift of numbered days, and when I see someone who’s excelling in their own unique way, I want to learn all I can, provided of course, the teacher’s not dripping with condescension. That stuff’s like gasoline and it makes me implode into a giant splattered mess of self loathing and hostility. Also glitter, because I’d like to think there’s some of that in there too.
As I try to make the best of these emotional vulnerabilities and epic flaws, I’ve made many course corrections and implemented several strategies that I think have helped. I’m beginning to notice what helps me move forward, and recognize the things that drag me back down toward that hateful rabbit hole. Unfortunately, recognizing isn’t the same as avoiding, and I still get derailed on the regular. But given the chance, I get back up again, and I think that should count for something. It doesn’t as far as I can tell, but it should. Going forward, I will try very hard to limit my exposure to things that amplify my dark inner voice. I’ll make it a point to gather around me the things and people who accentuate the good in me that’s so elusive and quiet.
Nursing has played a surprisingly substantial role in my after marketing endeavors over the last few years. All those feels I’m always telling you about, well it turns out that’s what empathy is made of. Who knew! I have empathy, and I have it in spades! Which means that one day, if I work very hard, I might be able to cross that off of the Reasons I Hate Being Me, and slowly transfer it to the new Things I Like About Me column. Glitter could use some company over there, that’s for sure.
So now you know the other side of that emotional incontinence coin. Emotional C Diff is hysterical, and it’s meant to be because humor hides insecurity better than anything else I’ve tried. But you can’t have one side without the other, and I sure wouldn’t want to give up the empathy. So it looks like I’m stuck with the fires as well. I’m determined to go on anyway, and to make the most of what I have in front of me while I work towards what I might become. For now I’m gonna go throw some Frank Sinatra on these burns and get after some white chocolate meringues. Analgesics have nothing on Sinatra and chocolate.
With love and determination,
The Glittery Nurse
I didn’t have a chance to read it all (because it’s L O N G). I just want you to know that you are not alone in some of your feelings. Sometimes, I hate myself (parts of myself) – my weight, the way I can’t get as addicted to exercise as I am to carbs. I hate those things about me. I use to hate everything – but I changed my mind about that and now there are parts of me and things about me that I really love. I know you are going to find parts of you that you love too. It WILL happen. Don’t worry a bit about how other people see you darling – we’re all a little messed up – I don’t care what anybody says. It’s so BRAVE of you to share your innermost thoughts and feelings and I’m sure that feels very vulnerable. BRAVO for you!! You have amazing courage and insight! FOR REAL! Can’t you just love that about yourself? I know you aren’t fishing for compliments – but, what I’m saying to you is actually fact. You are FIERCELY COURAGEOUS!! I promise I’ll come back and read the rest when it isn’t 11:42p.m. on a Sunday evening. I just finished my math homework. Ugh!
Thank you very much! I am changing my mind daily and continue to make progress. I will keep inching forward and being honest about my struggles. Thanks for the comment!
I think you are not alone. Well not think I know, reading this was like yes I feel that way too. And I’m sure we are not alone in this. Everyone of us need to first realize how wonderful we all are and embrace it. Looking back on life I realize there were so many wonderful people around me who I didn’t embrace and reach out to for the fear of this very reason. Life is hard we all need a support team or we will just let the fire in us of never being good enough hold us back, and over take our every thought. There are so many that I grew up with who I would have loved to get to know better but this fear was there and I sure so many saw it as me being stuck up or not friendly, but truthfully it was just the fear of the rejection because I had already rejeted myself why would anyone else want to like me.
I still find myself not reaching out for the very same reasons. But remind myself that God loves me and that is awesome and I know who I am in him now to try and look past my feeling and be more friendly but feel like I’m not always sucessful.
We need to embrace each other and love no matter what . We are all going through this life together and we should enjoy what we have.:)
It’s good to hear that someone else struggles with the same thing. Most days, I do just fine, but when things go wrong all the demons come out in force. Now that we know we’re in the same boat, we can look out for each other! Thanks for reading, and sharing your perspective! (((Hugs)))
Wow. Very well said. I think if we’re honest we can all identify. But good news! As I’ve grown older it doesn’t matter as much what other people think of me. (Well most of the time anyway.) And to prove my point, my daddy’s mantra at 82 years old, is “It don’t matter!”
I’m so glad that your care runs deep. That is not always the case in the medical world.
I think I’m glad for that care most days too. It’s a rare day that my feels get the best of me in a negative direction, but when they do it takes me a minute to recover. Thanks for the comment!
I have to edit my previous comment. My deep waters are more like a cold stream hidden in the forest than fire in my bones. But, like you, I have wished I was different many times. I’ve grown to learn that God creates in us what will best contribute to society & fulfill ourselves. Being nostalgic again – my grandma Smith used to say “It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.”
I read this while trying to entertain a shouting child (because breakfast requires shouting for some reason), so don’t mind me if this makes no sense.
“You have to try and bloom wherever it is you’re planted.” I’ve never heard that before and I love it!
It’s so tough feeling that way and to change it takes a lot of positivity and positive reenforcement, especially from people who understand what it’s like to feel that way.
Just remember that you are on a great path in life. In the nursing profession you have chosen to help others who can’t help themselves, or don’t know how, all while supporting their family/friends/support system during that time, and putting your own needs and emotions aside. You are literally putting others before yourself. And as you get more and more experience doing so, you will grow so much.
Go easy on your self during tough times, whether it be career-wise or personally. We’re all just doing the best we can with the hand we’re dealt, and we need to hold each other up and support each other.
I call this ‘fire’ syndrome the negative filter, where we only see what we don’t like and,Crystal, at 61 YO and a professional, I still have all those doubts and insecurities. I just hide them well and sometimes have to look at the external me to know what I really am..a composite of both strength, endurance and all the negative ghosties. Good for you for opening up that fester and working on draining it.Excuse my analogies, not a writer and you, sweet gal! Love you
I can’t tell you how great it is to know that someone as wonderful as you, UNDERSTANDS the struggles of someone like me. You are the epitome of a successful and engaging woman, and your understanding gives me hope for the future. It is possible to live an exciting full life despite my struggles, and you’re proof of that! Thank you so much for sharing!